chad randy, weekend warrior

in the fall, everyone's favorite fitness guru, chad randy, had begun training for the national guard.

just back from boot camp, champ?

"dude, i haven't even joined the guard yet. i'm still a baby."

"someday, though. that's why i'm training now. gotta look to the future, be ready when i get the call."


you know they won't actually call you- you have to go and sign up.

"i meant 'the call from within.' "


i think that's just gas...

"it's not just gas."

"my grandfathers and great grandfathers all served their country. they fought in wars or worked to end them, and i just want to contribute. incidentally, i'd also someday like to poop without making all that noise. the grunts and what not. just, y'know. while we're talking goals and stuff."


and you've got your animal themed camouflage-

"well, when i'm down on the floor, rolling around in all of those stuffed animals..."





you'll blend right in?

you'd better hope no one steps on you.






so what kinds of things are you working on to get in better shape?

"oh man. well, i practice rolling over a bunch... i uh, hold my head up... i sit up for hours at a time, and then fall over- at a time of my own choosing."

"it's all about control. gotta build up the core, that's key. get the ol' boiler into tip-top shape. lots of crunches."

"of course, i'm still totally dependent on others to move me from place to place."

"and i can't feed myself."

"or dress myself."

"i hear they're big on jumping jacks, so i did some research, and i think i can pull one or two of those off..."

"the instructions say 'feet apart, arms raised.' okay. feet are apart."

"arms up!"


it just looks like air guitar, chad.

"feet apart!"

"arms up!"

"up!!!"

"yessss!!!!"


but that was just one arm, chadster.

"yeah, i know. it totally threw my balance off."

"now i'm leaning off to one side."

"...and i'm pretty sure i'm on my way to falling over."

"oh yeah. goin' down. crap."