Wednesday, April 1, 2009

working girl

so, a few days ago i over heard bebe telling lammy that she was digging around in the basement and found a new toy. for those of you who are mac nerds, you'll surely recognize the first generation "wallstreet" g3 powerbook you see below. but who could that be at the keyboard?

it's taken her days to get it up the three flights of stairs. it literally outweighs her.

hey beatrix, what are you up to?

"i'm doing your taxes."

oh, but sweetie, daddy already did our taxes.

"i know. and you missed a bunch of stuff. but unlike h+r block, i won't charge you $29.95 for a second look."

well that's good, because you'd never get paid.

"well, i take my fee off the top, out of your refund. and i can claim my "work" for you as a deduction on my own tax return, to boot!"

you can't file taxes, you're a baby!

"i've got a social security number, don't i?"

yeah, you do. but still, there are child labor laws. you'd never get a return past the IRS.

"wellll, maybe i couldn't. but beebalou mcface-face could."

who is "beebalou mcface-face?"

"my shadow identity. a few clicks of the mouse and i was all set up. off shore accounts, fake identity... i'm even the head of my own corporation!"

and that would be...?

"fat back industries."


"we deal mainly in textiles, on a small but lucrative scale. as CEO i take a small amount of the gross for myself to invest with, and pour the rest back into the company."

uh-oh. you're not investing in the stock market are you? how are you doing with that?

"mmm... better than most, i'd say. i'm only eight months old, so i'm thinking long term. no get rich quick schemes, just some solid, even-handed investment in companies with a moderate but proven track record. as long as they continue to make money, they can take their sweet time about it. only fools play the market for a fast turn around. you could lose your shirt!"

and be left with one naked, fat back.

"you got it."

and a pair of choobs. i'm impressed. it sounds like you're doing pretty well for yourself.

"you could say that."

just a question, though. if you're sitting on all of these diversified assets, with money coming in from all over, why are your mother and i still supporting you?

"excuse me for a sec, daddy. mommy! what were our heating expenses november through april of last year?"

" hello?"

"i must have those figures here somewhere, let me see..."

"ok, just input those numbers there... carry the one..."

"daddy- you don't know anything about spreadsheet software, do you?"

sorry, no.

" there must be a way to tabulate bi-monthly without having to do the separations yourself..."

"how you coming with those itemized deductions, folks?"

"i swear. if i have to do this all myself..."

(mommy, from the other room) bebe? did you add in those gas receipts and fast lane totals?

"mom! i already told you! you can't claim the gas receipts for trips to school! it's not covered. and the fast lane doesn't meet the minimum to qualify for the deduction."

"just little ol' me, doin' it all. sheesh."

"could someone bring me a glass of breastmilk? i'm parched."

"this milk tastes... funny, but good. mommy, were you drinking coffee before you pumped this batch?"

"whoa! i'll be done in no time! this is greeeeaaaaat!!!!!"

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